Dear GirlShrink,

"Dave" and I have been dating for 2 months.  He and I have known each other for years.  We ran into each other one evening and have been seeing each other ever since.  Dave was with his last girlfriend for 5 years but broke up with her last year because she wanted marriage and he doesnt.  

He told me upfront that if I wanted marriage, I was barking up the wrong tree so to say.  I myself have been divorced for 20 years and have no intentions on ever remarrying so I was fine with that.  Dave and I have been together every weekend since starting to date.  He picked me up every Friday evening to stay at his house and would take me home Sunday evening.  He would also come into town every Wednesday to see me for a few hours in the evenings. 

Everything was good for us.  We got along well, laughed together, worked on his home projects together and spent alot of quaility time with one another. Dave came to my house last Wednesday and jokingly asked me how many times I had been out with my friends that week.  I had been out the night before and told him so.  I also mentioned that a mutual friend of ours seen me and asked me what I was doing in there with Dave the weekend before.  

He asked me what I said.. and I told him that I just said, "Yeah, he and I hang out together every now and then."  Dave became quiet and left shortly after telling me that he would probably see me on Friday.  The weekend came and went with no word at all from Dave.  Sunday I called him and he was completely out of character.  He was short with me and told me that he didnt
want a comittment to have to see someone every weekend and that he would "email me or something sometime."  He then hung up the phone.  

Why has he pulled away like this?  Does it have to do with what I said about us hanging out?  He has introduced me to his friends at work as his girlfriend.  He's never been a real affectionate person and has appologized to me numerous times for not being "romantic" and not having alot of time for me during the week.  I have never complained though... he appologized on his own.  This morning I fired off an email to him asking him to please come to my house so we can talk about this.  Have I pushed him farther away by doing so?  Should I just wait it out to see if he will try to contact me again?  Or should I move on and consider us over?  I just don't understand why he pulled away so suddenly!!!

Dear Dating Dave,

When I read your letter and got to the part of him asking you "what did you say", I knew exactly how the rest of this letter was going to read. He plays commitment games and probably doesn't even realize it. 

First of all, he actually enjoys commitment because he is a serial monogamous dater. He likes relationships and the reliability of being with the same partner, but he wants to control relationship and for that to happen - men will typically say that they are not looking for marriage or a serious relationship. That way a woman will not ask from him what he is not willing to give. Ultimately though he is fooling himself. He thinks that he can actually have a long term relationship this way, and while there are some women waiting for the other shoe to drop, most women are not going to wait forever to take their relationship to the next level. Proof is the demise of his last relationship.

Secondly - the flip side to the whole way that he deals with you is that he also wants you to want a relationship with him. He enjoys the woman asking for more -and he rejecting her. Again this gives him a sense of power and control. The fact that you did not respond to the mutual friend by saying that you two are 'dating' or are in a 'relationship' threw him. I think he really was expecting you to give an answer like that so that he could challenge you on it "Why did you say that?" AND internally he wants to be wanted.

The fact that  you made such a casual reference to the "real relationship" that you two are in. I don't care what you call it. Made him angry. And he can't tell you that he's angry because of course he was the one to initiate the whole "casual" dating thing. 

As far as what you should do? This is the thing. He wants you to come after him. That gives him the power back. But ultimately this guy has commitment issues. Honesty issues (with himself). I don't know if he is ever going to be mature enough to have a real relationship - one that requires an investment of time and emotion from BOTH parties. 

You could play his game and act like you want more so that his ego is fed etc., but that's exhausting and will eventually become boring and silly. I don't think there is anything you could have done to have foreseen this or to have changed the outcome. He is a loose cannon, and I don't think you can win either way. If you really do want more from him - he will run and if you act like you don't want more he will run. My best advice would be to chalk this up as a miss and move on. Try and salvage the friendship if you can.

Dear GirlShrink,

Kayy...so I just got my first boyfriend three days ago, but we haven't been on a date yet. I'm kinda scared since I don't see him in person all that much (we go to different schools) but I talk to him alot on msn. And on msn he asked me out to the movies, AND on msn he keeps saying I can't wait for that date so I can hold you and kiss you...I'm like AHHHHH!!!! I was thinking of bringing a friend or two to the movies with me so it could be like a group thing, but what if that gets awkward too?
Kat - Mississauga, Ontario

Dear Kat,

This is all really new for you and while I am not sure of your age, I would say that you are old enough to trust your instincts. If you are not yet comfortable being alone or one-on-one with your boyfriend -- then you should absolutely invite a few friends to come along to the movie. Your boyfriend shouldn't mind. You two will still be together. I personally think that it is much easier to get to know a guy when you are in a group situation. You can talk to him, you can see how he gets along with others, you can get an idea of what your friends think of him and vice-versa. I think that you will get a much bigger idea of who he is on a group date, and of course there is always time to be alone with him on later dates. So that's my two cents -- just have a good time, and enjoy your first relationship. You will remember it all your life:-)

Dear GirlShrink,

I've been married for several years and was in what I thought was a happy relationship. I mean it was great to me. My wife is four years older then me. We have a daughter and a son, and we started a business together. I like to do things after work, especially since we have a babysitter and the kids are older now. We can go out like we use to. She doesn't want to. She wants to work on the biz on our "off" time and she doesn't want to go out dancing and stuff with me. I know it may seem that I see her a lot since we share a biz, kids, home -- but I like to go out and I want my wife to go with me. I don't have many male friends so that's my story. Any suggestions?

Dear Husband,

Hey I wish more wives had hubbies like you. You actually want to spend time with your wife! That's great. But let me tell you something about moms. We get to a point where we are so exhausted (babysitter or not) that we just want to go home and lay like broccoli with our family. If you are still going out partying like you always have -- she may be a little "over that". Partying for us was often about searching for a guy. Now that we have the guy we are busy making our houses a home and working at our careers/businesses. That's what's important to many of us moms and it sounds like that may be what's going on with your wife.

Just ask yourself is the hanging out a deal breaker? Will you cavort with other women when you go out without her? Can you find some other friend or coworker to hang out with for those times you want to go out, and do things that you both like when it's time for your wife?

Just keep in mind husband - don't let this get out of hand and ruin your relationship. Just find some common ground and all should be fine.

Dear GirlShrink,
Okay I have a boyfriend that I do care about and I just got back in contact with my x (the love of my life) and he's locked up. We been writing and he wants us to work it out when he gets out... I don't know what to do, I don't want to lead my boyfriend on but i don't want to lose him either... and My x well I love him a lot but I don't know if I should take the risk???? Please help me!!!!

Dear Confused,
I've never heard of a guy who is incarcerated that didn't want to work things out with the girl on the outside. Men and women in jail need something to hold on or going through the daily monotony of jail would be worse then it already is. While I can't say for sure whether or not his feelings are truly based in love or desperation, the point here is that he is incarcerated. You are not. And you have a boyfriend on the outside who cares for you and who you care about as well.

Common sense says to go with what is real right now. Throwing away your current relationship because of how you felt for an ex once upon a time is probably not the smartest thing to do. Also - if he was the love of your life, why are you with the current guy? Why aren't you two still together? Troubles before he was locked up that you have forgotten about? OR because he was locked up. Remember what those reasons were, and make a decision that is smart but that also is fair to your boyfriend. Do not string him along if you really aren't into him.

Dear GirlShrink,
I am 23 years old and have recently developed feelings for my best friend who just turned 18. I know this sounds terrible, but he has been one of my best friends for the past 3 years and in the past year we have become even closer. He is more mature than most guys MY age and he is so sweet, funny, caring, loyal and talented. I never expected this would happen and never thought I would fall in love with him but it just happened. We write songs together and have traveled together with our band several times and I love the connection we have. He is amazing. But he is so young. I don't know what to do... Part of me feels absolutely insane for even letting myself get to this place in my heart, and the other part can see us being incredible together, regardless of age. Should I just drop it and try to move on? Or wait a few years and see if something could actually work? Please help.

Torn and Confused
Mansfield TX

Dear Torn and Confused,

Your relationship would make a lot more sense if your best friend was older. I honestly don't think for the most part that any 17 just turned 18 year old person knows the weight of the decisions that they make. If you both made the decision to be together now, I think that one of you would probably get hurt, and that person may be you. As your friend ages, he may want to explore and be with different people as people his age usually do - and you may get tragically hurt.

Now while I'm not saying that this would definitely be a mistake -- I would say to move with caution. If you can date other people and wait this relationship out a couple of years (say when he is 21) then do that. For now, be what you have always been, really close friends who enjoy each other and can count on each other without all of that "romantic noise" in the way:-)

Dear GirlShrink,
I have a little problem and I need advice. I'm going to high school and there this guy in my class and he's the smartest guy in the class. He talks and fools around with girls. He starting to stare at me. This weird thing started to happen 10 days ago. Once I was in my classroom and he entered to class and he stared at me. Next day, I was in the hallway and he stared at me two times. Another day my teacher was teaching us something and he stared at me again. He stares at me every day. He stares at me a lot. It really bothers me. I don't like him. I feel creepy and scared because I think he's going hurt me or something. Why does he stare at me? Should I talk with my teacher about this? Thanks so much!

Dear High School Girl,
I think what may be going on is that this really smart guy really also wants to be socially popular and it also sounds like that he may be attracted especially to you. Of course if the attention is making you uncomfortable then you need to address it. Remember that what he is doing is not against the law - so you have to try and handle this the best you can so that you can have a normal school day. So the first thing I would do is make sure that he knows that you know what he is doing and that you aren't afraid of him.

So I would first ask him point blank why he is staring at you. Do not be confrontational, but curious. Do not ask him in front of a lot of people where it may embarrass him, but perhaps outside or in the hallway on the side. Sometimes just the knowledge that you are aware of his staring may be enough for him to stop. He may be more aware of what he is doing when he is around you.

Now in addition to this, an adult needs to know what is going on as well because your instincts are telling you that something is not right about his staring. I always listen to my "gut" and you should too. So tell your parents and perhaps a teacher or counselor you trust at school. While the cannot stop him from staring at you, they can keep an eye on him and make sure he isn't being inappropriate in any other way with you or any other girls.

Finally - it could be possible that this guy just wants to be your friend and doesn't know how to approach you. It sounds like that you do not know him at all - but that you just know he is smart and playful with girls. Perhaps talking to him a bit and getting to know him could be the answer to all of this.

Dear GirlShrink,
I've been seeing someone for 5 years and I've always had this sinking feeling he cheats on me (not answering phone, found girl's number in his pocket, found him writing dirty emails to ex etc...) Anyway, the latest is he's taking Viagra apparently when I'm not around. I counted how many pills he had before he went out of town and then one was missing when he came back. I don't know what to do. Help.
Crystal

Dear Crystal,
You know what you to do, you just don't want to do it. He is exhibiting many classic signs of infidelity but more than that, you're instincts are telling you what is going on. Trust it. If you have had this feeling for five years, what does that tell you?

While I understand that you feel that you don't have any definitive evidence of him cheating and you don't want to be called the paranoid girlfriend -- I think you have the right to make decisions about you build a life with based on educated opinion. Sometimes you don't need a brick to fall right on your head to know what you have to do.

Let me say this...imagine if you walked in on him tonight. What would you say? How would you feel? What would you do? Would you work things out? Would you leave him? If you think this relationship is worth fighting for - then fight for it. If you are exhausted and you feel that you deserve better - then get out. The choice is yours and you don't need another year to go by before you take action either way.