Dear GirlShrink,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He is wonderful my family loves him as well as my little girl she thinks the world of him. A year ago I found that he had cheated on a girl he had been dating with me. I met him in June of 2008 and this other woman found out about me on Oct 2008.

She let me know that he was dating her and not only that she told me he was married he broke it off with her but since then trust issues are awful i cant seem to get that out of my head. I knew he was married but from what he tells me she does not live with him and they are only still together cause its convenient at this time.

He also has a little girl but doesnt bring her around i met her 3 times in the past but that was all. He spends 95% of his time with me and if he is not with me he calls me and lets me know where he is at which is usually with his little girl or in meetings or working he makes sure he calls me so i can here what is going on around him so i wont throw an obsessively jealous rampage. I never met his mom or dad, I met both his brothers but he tells me that he doesnt want to let me meet his parents because his mom would eat me alive since she doesnt agree
with him leaving his wife. His family loves his ex wife and she is still invited to every family get together that they have. My boyfriend always answers the phone when he is with me and doesnt hide when she calls. I have never spoken to her but according to my boyfriend she knows about me. I don't think there is anyway that she wouldnt know about me he is with me all the time.

I just don't know if im wasting my time since it doesnt look like he is getting a divorce anytime soon, I just dont know how to be alone, I dont trust him if I'm not with him, im anxious to know what he is doing, and this is not healthy. He is fed up with it and says that i am smothering him I just dont know how to deal with it. HELP

Hi Friend,

Your guy is smothered all right, smothered with the truth smacking him upside his head! He knows that he cannot juggle you, the other woman, the wife, all the kids involved, and his family forever. He's got to grow up and make choices. Unfortunately, we have yet to determine when any man is finally ready to "grow up" and act like an adult. Look at Tiger Woods!

There are things that you can make an educated guess about in this scenario. He is married, and that is much bigger then what you have with him. Trust me. Whether it is bigger because it means more to him, to his family, the reasons why don't matter. It's just a bigger animal to contend with. Marriages do not break up lightly - well in Hollywood:) -- but not in the real world. Cheaters rarely leave their wives.

You haven't met the mom and dad because you are not being presented as the new love of his life. Being introduced to the brothers is very different. It's like "look at this new, sexy, woman I have! Aren't you guys jealous?" It's very different.

I'm sure you have heard it before, but you need to be really careful before you introduce a new man into your life, the lives of your children, and family. You need to be sure that you can trust him. You can't trust this guy. He cannot give you what you want emotionally because he is torn emotionally in other places - first being with the wife.

Honestly - it's a mess waiting to become an even bigger mess. Get out now!

Dear GirlShrink,

I am divorced and have been living, for a year and a half, with a man who is still not divorced. He tells me that he will be divorced “soon”. His wife is leaving the state in a couple of weeks for a new job. He appears to think that her leaving should be sufficient. I have yet to see a divorce agreement. He lives in fear of what she will take when they get divorced so he has not pushed it.

Also, he promised his wife that he would make her pregnant, even though she is 50 years old, using a donor egg and his sperm. This promise came very soon after the beginnig of our relationship. Of course, she had a miscarriage. He does nothing but talk about how awesome she is and he never lets me have an opinion about anything, especially not her. He becomes defensive about her and has been keeping things from me on a regular basis.

Anyway, I just broke up with him and unfortunately we work in the same clinic. He just called me to ask me to go get coffee with him this morning. Is he daft?!? He apparently still wants to continue going out with me. I am so heartbroken and angry about everything that has gone on. I need strength to force the end of this nightmare. Any advice on how to make the breakup stick? Incidentally, I have a history of breakups with him that don’t stick. I am certain that he has no real reason to believe me this time.

Dear Friend,

Why are you living with a married man? This man is still very much connected to his wife. In fact, I would venture to say that she asked for the divorce. I also question how much this relationship is based on you being lonely, not wanting to start over with someone new, not wanting to be rejected -- rather than on true love. Because this is not a reciprocal relationship, one based on truth and mutual respect. Yes, he likes you a whole lot, but you are like a warm blanket. Comforting and dependable. Like you said, he knows that you are not really going to go anywhere because you have yet to do it. The best thing you could do is to keep you mouth closed until you are certain that you will act on and stick to what you say.

I tell this to women all the time. Try your level best to do what you say you are going to do -- and if you are not sure -- don't say anything at all. You render yourself a little less powerful every time you do that.

There is no advice I can give you to make you do what needs to be done. You know what needs to happen. I think you are buying time to see if the wife moves and see if the relationship changes or improves. But she can move and they still be married - since he is scared of the whole financial thing. And she can always have a place in his life that you will never be able to fill if he allows it to be so. Even long distance. You have to think about what you ultimately want for yourself. What you deserve. What would make you happy and follow those instincts.

GirlShrink!
I have been in a relationship with the father of our child for over 2 years now. We got pregnant when we were together for only 5 months. We just recently got engaged about a month a ago and he has become a different person. He has done these types of things to me before and it has started back up again. He wants me to move to his home town and I am not 100% sure that that is what I want to do.

He gets so frusterated with me and starts calling me names telling me that I am lazy and that he doesn't know why he asked me to marry him and if he know that I was going to act this way then
he never would of asked me to marry him in the first place.

Last week we were in the middle of an argument and he put his hand over my mouth so that I would stop talking. He tells me that I am lazy and that I have to contributed to our family or relationship. He works full time and pays all of the bills while I am in school and working a part time job. I do not know if it is time to walk away?

Dear Friend,

Now while there is probably much more to your story, for instance how long did he act like this before and under what circumstances - your fiance is probably either a control freak and is upset that you will not move to his home town so he is acting out OR he may possible feel emotionally trapped in your relationship because you had a child so soon into the relationship.

Of course whatever is going on - it's totally unacceptable to take this kind of treatment from any man. Especially one that has made the steps to be with you in a committed relationship. There is clearly not an equal respect level, because the hand on the mouth and calling you "names" is a clear red flag of disrespect and/or frustration.

I am a big believer in not jumping ship and trying to "talk" things out with a partner. But truthfully both people have to me mature enough and want it to work badly enough for talking things out to work. Consider asking him if he would go to premarital counseling and see what issues come up and work on getting past them. Otherwise, I would say that you may want to seriously consider waiting on marriage - and continue to date your fiance until you see a positive change in his behavior towards you.

What you don't want is to raise a child in a house where one parent disrespects the other. It under minds the whole parenting process and causes conflict for the children. Trust me, I was raised in a home just like that.

Dear Girlshrink,

My boyfriend and I have been best friends for years and just recently started dating about 7 months ago. He had been with his ex for probably 2 to 3 years and engaged to her twice. She ended up leaving him "for good" when the baby was almost 2 months old. Now that we are finally happy she has decided she wants him back and constantly uses their child as a pawn in order to manipulate him to do the things she wants him to do. She texts him non-stop telling him to leave me and get back with her and if he doesn't respond back with what she wants to hear she keeps him from seeing his son for months at a time. I absolutely adore my boyfriend and his son but she is going to be in his life forever and I dont know if I can do this much longer! How do I make him understand that this is wrong and that he needs to stand up to her or am I in the wrong for thinking thats what he needs to do?

Niki

Dear Niki,

There are a couple of things going on here. First, there is always some sort of drama between a couple who have broken up but are still connected through a child. A child gives the primary parent (usually the mother) a lot of emotional control (if she chooses to use it) over the other parent. Unfortunately a lot of men believe the hype and buy into the fact that the mother has "all" of the control and therefore never wants to rock the boat or upset the mother too much for fear of never seeing their child. A lot of men do not want to deal with the courts because if you take it there, most judges will allow them time to see their children but at a cost. Usually a percentage of their income. Something much higher then they would actually pay voluntarily to the mom. Now I'm not saying that is your circumstance, but it could be.

Also there is an idea that the mom just wants to cause trouble because for 3 years she always looked at you as the "best friend" to her fiancee, and now she questions the past. She wonders if you two always had feelings. She wonders if you both acted on these feelings before the break up. She probably is wondering a lot of things and is angry and hurt.

As far helping your boyfriend "see" the manipulation by the ex. I guarantee you that he already sees it. For whatever reason, I think he feels as if there is nothing he can do about it. He may feel guilty or at least conflicted for breaking up with her after having a child with her. He may even have some residual feelings for her and doesn't want to start an all out war with her. He was engaged to her, so his feelings for her must have been strong at some point.

What I do think is that you have to make decisions for yourself that are honest and real. Knowing what you know about their past, their relationship, their personalities -- are your feelings for your boyfriend deep, strong, and serious enough to deal with what may come with this situation?

Will there be more drama? Probably. Will you have an argument or two with the ex in the future - you might. Will you not like how he deals with situations between he and the ex - you probably won't. You would do things differently. But you were not in a relationship with this woman, he was. You have to account for the fact that he cannot change the past, nor just turn off feelings for the mother of his child. He can move forward with you, but you should go into that knowing that it will mean a future including his child, and with that comes his mother.

Dear GirlShrink,

I was in a relationship for 11 months about two years ago with this guy. We broke up because of my cheating and stayed friends. He is a great guy and my family even adores him. After we broke up I started seeing someone for a year and 6 months. I got pregnant by him last year and we lost the twins. So now 'm prenant again and he was involved with me when he thought I was aborting the baby, but instead I got scared and left.

About a day after that he's going around saying the baby is not his. Of course it hurt me but now I am 6 months pregnant and my ex boyfriend Mr. Right from two years ago and I got back together. We're talking about marriage now. Now the baby's father is saying he wants a DNA test which I have no problem doing, but he wants to be in the babies life which I'm happy about but my fiance and I are talking about my baby and I moving to Florida on the Navy Base with him in a year after we get married.

Should I get married and move on with my life and the father see her on vacations and some holidays or stay where I'm at and not be happy. I love my fiance, I always have. I was just young and immature in the past. Now I have a second chance with him and its going great. He's even leaving from overseas early just to be here when the baby is born.

What should I do. I'm in need of real hep real soon and it seems as if everyone giving me advice doesn't really understand that my daughter is going to have a father figure in her life which will be my husband soon, but every lil' girl needs her real daddy.

Dear Pregnant and Torn,

If you move with your husband, your daughter (early congrats!) will most likely have a limited relationship with her father. It's just a matter of distance, time, and the man who will be in her life on a daily basis. If you stay - you take the risk of limiting your own happiness in your marriage.

I'm assuming this move is a career must -- because if not, I would question the timing of it. Does your new husband want to get you away from your baby's father because he still has trust issues when it comes to you and him? Does he feel threatened by him? Would he like a better chance to establish himself as the "father" of the baby when she is born - which is much easier to do if you both are far from the biological father? Perhaps he feels as if you all need a fresh start -- but at who's expense?

I'm not saying that your husband won't be a great father, but your child will want a relationship with her father. Especially if you go on to have more children with your husband. There will be that difference between her and the following kids - no matter how much you love them equally. She will always feel and long for that biological connection to her father.

You have a big decision to make. Follow your gut instinct. If you think the only way you can "make it" is to move and start fresh - then do it. But just be honest about "why" you're doing it.

Dear GirlShrink,

I have been seeing this guy for a month. We went to high school together and now five years later we've started dating. At first we went out a few times a week, talked on the phone daily. We had sex about two weeks in. That is where I am feeling a disconnect. I have been in a serious relationship, four years long, and casually dated a few guys in between then and now.

On the other hand, he has never been in a relationship and his experience in the bedroom is very limited. Sparks have flown despite that. But for the last week or so I feel like he has been more reserved. We've only gone out once, and have spoken daily, but the conversations are brief. He calls me when he gets off work. I rarely call him because he gets off work at odd hours. I
guess I am trying to determine if he is deliberately blowing me off, or if his lack of dating experience is showing. We haven't had the "conversation" about whether or not we are going to date other people. I think it's too soon for that. There is also the possibility that he is taking us as an "item" for granted and I am not. Which would explain why he isn't making plans whenever he is going to get off the phone anymore. Are we past the beginning stages of our relationship and I just haven't realized it yet?

Dear Disconnected,

This is such a clear case about how things get muddled (in our minds) when we become intimate with someone. I'm not saying whether it was right or wrong -- you are grown. But the truth is - is that for women especially, sex changes things. Now I'm not saying that you want to marry the guy, but what I am saying is that if you hadn't had sex yet - you wouldn't have sent this letter. It would be clear. A month in - you are dating - getting to know each other.

And honestly that's what I would still say. Sex or no sex, you two are still just reconnecting from high school and getting to know each other as adults. I don't think you are past the beginning stages - in fact I don't know if I would even say there is a "solid" relationship yet.

I think you are still getting to learn what his behaviors are. Perhaps he just isn't much of a phone person. Maybe he is frightened of getting closer to you. Or maybe he is just tired from work. It's too early to tell just yet. Just keep playing this day to day. Enjoy it for what it is and don't try to define it just yet. Also - continue to date other people until you both have had a conversation to make you think otherwise. Do not put all your eggs in this brand new basket!

Dear GirlShrink,

I am divorced and have a live-in boyfriend. My 16 year old son has been disrespectful to my boyfriend. He hasn't spoken to him in a month and a half. Now they got into a physical altercation when my boyfriend tried to stop him from turning on the air conditionerl What do I do?

Dear Mom,

Most teenage boys are possessive and territorial about their mothers, so this is completely normal behavior - it's just a little inconvenient for maintaining the peace in your new relationship. I know this is going to sound a little strange, but creating a good relationship between your son and your new boyfriend is much like when a person has to introduce a new dog into a home where a dog already lives.

The reason why this introduction has to be done in a specific way is because if it's not done right, the dog who lived in the home first becomes extremely territorial and is never nice to the new dog. That's why dog owners are taught to slowly introduce the two dogs out of the home.

Case in point - the air conditioner. Your son feels like he has more of a "right" to turn on the air conditioner then your boyfriend. But your boyfriend needs to make a territorial stand as well - and say "this is my home too and I don't want it on". Then just like two dogs -- they start snarling and barking -- testing each other.

How were the two introduced? Was it a slow process. Did he gradually get to know your boyfriend or was it a pretty fast progression from meeting to moving in? Does your son have a relationship with his father? Is he hoping that the two of you reconcile? Secretly - every child does (no matter what they say). Did you consult with your son about the boyfriend moving in, or was the decision made without even his opinion. Did you know that your son didn't like your boyfriend prior to him moving in?

These are questions to consider to understand if they had a good introduction. Now as far as what to do at this point -- it is ultimately a decision you need to make -- but if it were me I would choose my child first and my love life second. The fact that he is walking around his own home not talking to a person living in it for over a month is stressful for a child. And let's remember that he is still a child. It has to be affecting school, his relationships, etc. He could become depressed, aggressive, or disrespectful because of this.

I think that you and your boyfriend can have a good and solid relationship with him living in his home and you in yours until your son matures more, finishes school, and possibly leaves the home.

If that doesn't sound doable to you - then I think you've answered your own question. Your only option at that point would be to try and convince both of them that a few visits to family therapy would be of great benefit to everyone involved and would help you guys at least set some ground rules of what is and what is not acceptable/permitted living in the home together. If your boyfriend loves you, he will at least try to create peace in the home for you benefit. Your son may be a little tougher to convince, but at the end of the day he's a minor and if you say that you all are going to go to therapy, then he'll have to go.

Much Success!