Dear GirlShrink,
I have been with my husband for 15 years. We both had previous relationships with kids from our prior relationships.I had 2 now(20&16)he had 1(16) and we have 1 (14)together. Both of us knew each others spouse. We had been good friends since we were kids. My husband's first wife passed away when their child was one year old. At the time that this happened my now husband was incarcerated and his then wife had developed a drug problem that contributed to her death.I split with my children's dad the same year.Six months later me and my now husband started a relationship and have been together ever since. The first year I had become pregnant. My husband had some guilt issue over the first wife and left me,to go back to prison after a night out
drinking and talking with his sister who was the first wife's best friend, who also felt that he should be ashamed of himself.By the way, this sister was actually setting up my husband's first wife with her boyfriend's buddies while her brother was in jail.

Anyway.....After he was incarcerated he swore to me he was drunk and was sorry and bla bla bla. I believed him, had my baby, and patched things up when he came home almost a year later. He has not been in trouble since, has a good job and for the most part has been good.

My problem is my mother-in-law. She claims to have a special relationship with the first wife. Which is also bull, she used to torture her too.She kept all of her personal items such as pictures etc.The day I came home from the hospital from having the baby she asked me to bring him over so my husband's family could see him.When I got there she had spread pictures of my husband and his first wife all over the kitchen table like a big mural.Pics of the delivery room when they had their baby,happy occasions etc.I got the hint.....after the visit I had decided that was it, this woman has issues, and I wanted to keep myself and my kids away from her.I ignored her phone calls until I couldn't any longer.I told her that I felt like she was
intentionally trying to hurt me and make me feel foolish.She went on to say things like,"honey you dont have to be jealous over a dead girl" and stupid stuff like that.I have learned to keep a safe distance from her and shrug off most of her trouble making bull.

I hate Christmas because every year she takes my husband's son from the first wife and has a full blown christmas at her house.The son who calls me mom and celebrates christmas eve with my side of the family and lives with us.Every year since he was 2 she has taught him to go house to house with his hand out at xmas.Usually on xmas eve after celebrating with my side of the family,my father-in-law will drive out and
pick him up and my step-son will be gone for a week or two spending the holiday with them.Except this year I said no,they can have him christmas day, we get christmas eve and he isn't going to throw down the presents from my side of the family and jump in grampa's car.

I get very little back up from my husband. I literally have to throw a full blown fit.The other problem I'm having is my step son asked his grandma for pictures of his biological mom and her wedding ring(my mother-in-law also wore that for 2 years after
the death of the first wife).She finally did give up the things he asked for,but also included intimate pictures of my husband with his first wife too.Such as them in bed together,her in her underwear,etc..I feel like I have been living in the shadows of my husband and his dead wife.I feel that my husband is a big sissy when it comes to his mother and I blame him for letting her manipulate our household.I almost think he likes it.The other 3 kids have had to share every aspect of their lives their mom,uncles,grandparents,christmas, pretty much everything while my stepson is king.I wind up seeming like the jealous second wife....My husband says that I make myself miserable and seems to think that this is acceptable.I'm ready to leave and get a divorce.I would greatly appreciate an outside opinion.
Wendy
Romoland, Ca

Dear Wendy,
Whew! That is a lot going on in your family but actually not that much different than what is going on in thousands of blended families all over the world. The bottom line is that your mother-in-law feels threatened by you and probably did with the first wife as well -- and is trying to use some sort of emotional bullying to keep you at bay. Unfortunately, it has worked. You are feeling the way she wants you to feel. And she gets a sense of "control" for having inflicted that type of pain. The first thing you need to do is change the way you react to her. This could mean a lot of different things depending on what she pulls next - but I'll give you an example.

When you walked in and saw all those old pictures, you should of reacted in a manner that she would not have understood such as, "Oh, are these pictures of xxx and xxx? Nice. Did you just find these? Oh - I could put them in a scrapbook along with the hospital pics of the other kids. That would be nice right?" She would not have expected such a response from you and it does not allow her the satisfaction of seeing you "sweat".

Secondly, you are right on how you need to have a tough conversation with your husband. He should have found that whole display ridiculous and disrespectful -- and should have shut that whole thing down. The fact that he didn't speaks volumes. He sounds like he is either afraid of his mother or finds his mother amusing. Either way -- it's no good for your relationship.

I hear your frustration, because you should be. My biggest question his how did you allow this to go on this long? The fact that you have has put you in a tough position, because the saying is so very true -- that we teach people how to treat us. And you have taught everyone in that dysfunctional family that it is okay to disrespect you and your children you aren't biologically theirs.

BUT having said all of that -- the question really is all about you. How badly do you want your marriage to work? Will your husband get on board? Would you both consider counseling? Are you prepared to ask for what you need from him? Or have you basically checked out of this marriage because this has gone on so long. And you are looking for validation from someone (like me:-) to finally walk away?

In my opinion, you can avoid this woman. You can simply choose not to deal with her on any level. And your husband just has to deal with it. I honestly think most of your anger is directed at him and not his mother. You are steaming mad because of his indifference. And if he won't recognize his part in this, or would even consider talking about the possibility in counseling, then I think your choices are limited. And living separately from him may be the answer.